Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
