I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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