Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
