I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
