genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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