woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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