my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
