Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
