onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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