then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
