There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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