Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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