Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
