my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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