you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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