i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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