i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
