sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
