my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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