Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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