Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
