Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
