and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
