why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
