i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
