We're facebook friends in real life
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
