when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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