I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
