matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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