just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
