i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
