You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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