Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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