I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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