I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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