Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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