I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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