So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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