My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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