apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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