Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
