When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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