Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
did i walk over a car last night?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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