were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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