I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
honey bunches of taint.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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