The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
