She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
