I hope mine doesn't look like that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
