I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
