Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
